What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? [spoiler]A Try-and-try-and-try-and-try-ceratops.[/spoiler] What do you call a blind dinosaur? [spoiler]A Doyouthinkhesaurus.[/spoiler] Have you heard of the Ninjasaurus? [spoiler]Then he has done his job.[/spoiler] <!-- s:winky: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/winky.gif" alt=":winky:" title="winky" /><!-- s:winky: --> <!-- s:up: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/up.gif" alt=":up:" title="up" /><!-- s:up: -->


  • Why was the dragon upset at his birthday party? [spoiler]'cause he couldn't blow out his candles.[/spoiler]
  • Did you read Hellen Keller's book? [spoiler]Neither did she.[/spoiler] *BA DUM TSS*
  • Haha, that's the best.
  • yeah, that one really made me lol, Grizz
  • what do you call a monkey in a minefield? [spoiler]A Baboom.[/spoiler]
  • (I haven't gone through all of these but some of them made me lol <!-- s:P --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/razz.gif" alt=":P" title="razz" /><!-- s:P --> ) Mitch Hedberg quotes: I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me. I wish I could play Little League now... I would kick some fuckin' ass. I'd be way better than before. They'd back up now. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're fucking relentless. You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "No"? This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing." Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot." One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes. I want to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be the ultimate convenience. I want to climb a mountain -- not so I can get to the top -- cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fucking fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around... "Hey, you going to the top?" -- "Soon." All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children." went to a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me 'cause she asked how I'd like my eggs. So I tried answering her anyways. "INCUBATED! Then hatched, then raised, then beheaded, then plucked, then cut up, then put onto a grill, then put onto a bun. ...., it's gonna take a while. I don't have the time. Scrambled!" I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free." I went to a pizzeria and I ordered a slice of pizza; the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the 'donate to charity slice.' I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it' When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes. I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential. I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a fucking bully, man. Let me at least have a piece." The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."... Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon? I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine and it was at location 'HH', so I went to the side and pressed 'H' twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Chrissake, I mean, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my 'AA BB CC's. God god dammit dammit! They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!" I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summertime, when we used to fire up the barbecue and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito". Dad, you know how I like mine: with grill marks." I like swiss cheese. It's the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" I got some swiss air on that bite. I had a box of Ritz crackers and on the back of the box of Ritz crackers it had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. It said, "Try it with turkey and cheese." "Try it with peanut butter." Oh, c'mon man, they're crackers. That's why I got 'em — I like crackers. There ain't no suggestion: "Put a Ritz on top of a Ritz." I didn't buy 'em 'cuz they're little edible plates. I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up!" I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. "What's a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus! I had 'em back-to-back!" I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made, like, a cinnamon roll incense. 'Cause I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick, and have my roommates wake up with false hopes. I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me--"C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait--Fruit on the bottom, hope on top." A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. It says to the syrup "You ain't goin' anywhere!" I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive. At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. It's the complete opposite for a banana. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at? This guy asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said, "No ... but I would like a regular banana later, so ... yeah." I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef. Popsicles are for the summertime. I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I saw a wino; he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude -- you have to wait!" I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain&..39;t open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! "What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to... open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin' magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are right." "I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. I play sports. No I don't. What the fuck? I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurant. You know I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it and I gave her a burrito. I met the girl that works at the DoubleTree front desk. She gave me her phone number; it's Zero. I tried to call her from here; some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older." I've got a do not disturb sign on my hotel door; it says, "Do not disturb." It's time to go with "Don't disturb." It's been "do not" for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down. I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking? I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a doorknob on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat." I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot, which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying, "We don't have to fix shit." Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!" I was at the grocery store buying eight apples, and the clerk asked me if I would like a bag and I said, "No, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever here buying nine apples, fuckin' bag 'em up!" I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn. I think that the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around, then when I finally make it in the guy will say, "Can I help you, sir?" and I'll say, "Just practicing." Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh ya, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular." My fake plants died because I did not pretend to fucking water them. I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it; he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. Whoever invented sunglasses must have been the coolest motherfucker alive. Hey, what kind of glasses are those? My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? I have a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one ever needed to sleep over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Wait until you see what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications... I have an oscillating fan at home; it looks like it's saying 'Noo...' so I like to ask it questions that a fan would say 'no' to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" "Do you keep my documents in order?" "Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fuckin' lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit!" I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide." I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfucker. I tried to throw away a yo-yo. It was fucking impossible. I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there." I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm fucked. But if that "E" is there, man, I act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet. I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I am older." "You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera." I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 2222222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough." You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!" I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'" Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. I was at a club and they had blacklights everywhere. A blacklight is a light that makes everyone look cool... except me, 'cause I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. This shirt is dry clean only. Which means .... it's dirty. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work. You know when you go to a concert like punk-rock and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd? People think that's dangerous, but not me... because humans are made of 95% water, so the audience is 5% away from a pool. There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were. You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass! I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because it's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say, "What the fuck am I supposed to do now? My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. I wrote a letter to my dad. I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really." But I still wanted to use it! I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad — there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away. Hello, Dad." And then at the end of the letter I like to write, "P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one." Wouldn't want to mess up the practice routine. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'" I went to a friend's house. He said, "You have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity, got me again. You know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall. I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zip.* "Fuck you." My girlfriend works at Hooters... in the kitchen. I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name was Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then I fuck up and call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "n" as long. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up! Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up." This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!" I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too. If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you're not ugly. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck, seven! Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six. At least." I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the fuckin' sound of my addiction. I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table. You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once." I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!" I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right. My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." I can't use alcohol as a crutch because a crutch is something that helps me walk. Alcohol severely fucks up the way I walk. It's more like the step I didn't see. Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic. Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns... I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were, like, yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar..... or PCP?" I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming." I took acid, and when I took acid, I finally understood that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit. I can't get into flossing, I can't. People who smoke say you don't know how hard it is to stop smoking. Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing. You seem jittery. Yeah, I'm about to floss. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!." Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck. I mumble a lot offstage; I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. He'll say, "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!" I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years." I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, YOU throw this away." I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. I use the word "totally" too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. "Mitch, do you like subway sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly." I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I needed to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy." I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere." As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddamnit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!" I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore; I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me." I was on That 70's Show, and I put it on my acting résumé. Before that my acting résumé was sparse; it was all bullshit. It was like, "When I'm playing pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition and I acted like I didn't care." I got into comedy to do comedy, which is weird, I know. But when you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, "Alright, you're a standup comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy but not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, "Alright, you're a cook... Can you farm?" I never joined the army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. "At ease" was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula. It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, fuck it, this song is funky..." In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says "Warning: Alarm System". And it's a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of... a sticker. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. People in a parade are cocky. They think they've attracted an audience, but really it's just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone's way. I get a cold sore. I hate to say it, Minnesota, but in a cold sore I put Carmex on it 'cause Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dunno if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter! Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores. I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised. I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like if I'm at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhhh... Itsaboys." That would be cool if the Earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! I remixed a remix, it was back to normal I hate spelling words with double letters, because I never know when I'm suppossedd to stutter on purpose. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I say, "You fuckers don't farm c'mon, what about some carrots? I like carrots. I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"... so it died. It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here." My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want them to, you know, I'm like, "Hey, wait, come back. Let me hold one of you... Dogs are forever in the push up postion. Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so fuckin' far away from me. We should ship some of them over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head. I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. I'd like to talk about the differences between bears and frogs—I know it's cliche. Like, if there's a frog around, I don't have to hang my sandwiches from a branch; a frog knows they are for me. He'd rather have a fly, 'cause a fly zig-zags while my sandwich does not. People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky. I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up Dog is Man's best friend...except for the drug-sniffing dogs. Those fuckers are tattle-tales. Why you gotta tell on me, German Sheperd? German Sheperds are always in I don't think that German shit is true. I'm just gonna call you sheperd. -Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 - 30 March 2005) Feathers have never made me say "he should be a leader". even the chief of my tribe has upgraded to a baseball cap. Demetri Martin quotes "I see cards that say 'Get Well Soon.' ...Fuck that. Get well now." "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time." "I think they named the orange before the carrot." "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'" "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'" "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves. (flips sketch pad to cue card that says "I own leather sleeves")" "My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal." "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'" "I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'" "Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'" "I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs." "I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!" "I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale." "I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable." "When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults." "I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?' (flips to que card of hand holding apples with question marks), but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'" (flips to que card of hand holding apples in basket with word nice written above) "I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... damn.' "I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' (flips to que card of stickman standing in city scene with arrow that leads from "ASSHOLE" to the stick man. But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees." (flips que card to nature scene) "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'" "I like parties, but I don't like piñatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did." "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half." "People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart... Especially if the human is kind of hairy." "Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore." "My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork." "Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?" "Another word for 'balloon' is: bad breath holder." "I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25." "Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral." "They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time." "Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown." "One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? ...or Carnival?? ...Carburetor!?!? man... "Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'" "I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel." "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades." "About a month ago I got a cactus. (cue card of cactus in planter) A week later, it died. (cue card of grave stone that says 'here lies brian, beloved house pet') I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' (Ladies, that's not true)" "I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fort-night.'" "I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'" "I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy." "I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'" "I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'" "I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad." "I noticed that there are no b-batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'" "I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over..." "If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. (que card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward'.)" "A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.'" "I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'" "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything." "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it." "Wine coolers equals gay wine." "Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying." "I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater." "I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'" "A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy... (que card of lolipop designating hard candy and garbage, followed by another one, 'reverse angle')" "A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'" "An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word 'ladies' to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. 'Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?' The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. 'I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?'" "My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'" ( que card of grapes with arrows pointing to each grape 'hope, hope, hope, hope, opportunity' "I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before." "The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly." "I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music". People say you can distinguish man from the animals through the faculty of reason. Yeah. That and surnames. My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "oh, Steve's really a cat person". No he's not. If Steve were a cat person it'd be, like, "hey, Steve never goes in the pool". strawberry roll-ups are like gay beef jerky
  • whoa! I haven't read that massive post of jokes, but I had to comment on how MASSIVE it is! (which isn't a bad thing). You should get an award for the 'Largest Post in AC.ORG history!'
  • hahaha yay! I like it that its, in the history of. <!-- s:P --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/razz.gif" alt=":P" title="razz" /><!-- s:P --> Well, if anyone has free time on their hands or is bored on the internet they can check them out I spose.
  • I have the whole mitch hedberg discography:D listening to it atm.
  • I love Mitch Hedberg, may his soul rest in peace. I couldn't read the whole thing at once, but I'm glad it's there for me during sad times. One of my staff and I have running hedbergian conversations, usually the 'free sunchips for ducks' and 'escalator temporarily stairs: sorry for the convenience' and 'here-you throw this away'.
  • and I am not surprised that many of us love Mitch. Not at all. We are all related, some kind of genetic thing.
  • Definitely one of the greatest comedians to ever live.
  • edited May 2010
    did you hear about the fire at the circus? [spoiler]It was intense (supposed to sound like in tents, it works in person...[/spoiler]
  • I've actually never heard of Mitch.. I just found those on this persons myspace and found them kinda funny.
  • Hi, Ha.......Ha.......Ha............Nice jockes here.............. <!-- s:lol: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/lol2.gif" alt=":lol:" title="lol" /><!-- s:lol: --> Thanks,
  • you are welcome mysterious patricksnead24.
  • What do you call a psychic midget who's just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
  • What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker? Hop in.
  • What is it called when you put your balls on the alter? Sack religious
  • What is wobbly when it flies? A jellycopter!
  • must be jelly cuz jam don't wobble like that!
  • mmmm,mnnn gurrlll!
  • pull up girl let me SEE it! no you don't see SHIT :(|)
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